While talking to someone, have you ever had the impression that the person is really not listening to you?

Listening… when we deeply think about it, this is maybe one of the most important - and at the same time - difficult skills to perform! And surprisingly, do we really learn how to deeply listen to the other person? To maintain our focus on the other person during the conversation? To really understand what the person is saying, or not saying? To grasp what the purpose of communication is?

Unfortunately, I think that the emphasis is not enough on those aspects of communication, and it can lead to disastrous consequences: from simple misunderstanding to tensions, from marriage failure, weak relationship with our children, to lower productivity at work.

Do you consider yourself as a good listener?

Think about your last conversation with your friend, your colleague or your partner and ask yourself these questions:

• Did you listen to understand the other person or to prepare your answer?
• Did you interrupt the other person while she was talking or did you wait for her to finish her point before talking?
• What was the kind of words you were using: kind, respectful, positive or negative and painful?
• Were you really speaking your truth or were you trying to impress the other person?
• Were you thinking about something else while listening or completely focus on the other person?
• Did you pause before answering a question or did you answer as fast as you can to be the first one to talk?
• Did you ask questions to really understand the other person or did you just assume what she was meaning?
• How did you treat the other person? Were you kind? Were you impatient?
• Did you feel the urge to give advice?
• Were you making any assumptions?
• What was your mindset during this conversation: the “what-can-I-bring-to-this-communication” mindset or the “what-can-I-get-from-it” one? 
• Overall this conversation, what were your intention?

We all have seen/met or adopted one or more of these patterns! And there are many others like the “know-it-all”, the “all-about-me”, the “I-know-exactly-what-you-are-going-to-say”, “the daydreamer”. Yet, when 2 or more people are talking to each other, it looks more like “a bouncing match of who can talk about themselves more” (Shannon Kaiser).

With a mindfulness practice, you become able to notice these communication traps and being able to change them into healthier ones: more caring, more compassionate and more connected.

What is mindfulness?

Mindfulness is about focusing your attention and be aware of what is happening inside you and around you in the present moment, with an attitude of non-judgement and kindness. In other words, like a scientist, you objectively observe yourself, others and the environment, without any evaluation.

And, when it comes to mindful listening (and speaking), it is about bringing more awareness to your conversations. It is giving the other person the attention she deserves, releasing any judgements or preconceptions, removing all distractions that can pop up into your head, carefully choosing your words and reactions for your answer. Simply said, mindful communication is all about connection!

Simply, but not easy… however here is the good news!  Mindfulness is a skill, and as a skill it can be learned so you can apply it into your life!

How mindfulness can help?

Here are a few ways of how mindfulness can improve your listening skills:

1. Be aware of your mental chatter

With mindfulness practices, you learn to pay attention to your mental chatter and to come back to the present moment every time you get caught up in your thoughts. During a conversation, I think you agree with me that this is not the right time to think about your groceries list, your next meeting or the conversation you had just before with your child, don’t you?  Well, most of the time, this is what is really happening in our mind! Our body is here but our mind is… somewhere else. With a mindfulness practice, you develop this ability to pay attention to what the other person is saying, to detect more and really understand her and what her needs are, to feel how she is feeling, what she really means, but most importantly to notice the clues beyond the words (tone, body language…)! As Peter Drucker used to say, "the most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't said”. It can be her beliefs, her compelling desires or something that she is afraid to share or doesn’t express correctly or even something that she is not even aware of herself.

2. Be aware of your judgement and preconceptions

Another core principle of mindfulness is the mindful attitudes that you need to cultivate to be able to be mindful. Non-judgement is one of the most important. When it comes to a conversation, we may not agree with the other person and we may even have our own toxic and distracting judgmental commentaries turning into our head during the conversation: “what an awful haircut!”, “she is really too possessive with her son”, “she should quit her job” or ‘she still doesn’t get it”. Mindfulness teaches you to notice and let go of these judgements, to accept the other person as she is and to listen respectfully and kindly to her. It also cultivates your beginner’s mind or your ability to approach any situations (here a conversation) with fresh eyes and no preconceptions.

3. Be aware of the other person

In mindfulness, you not only learn to bring your attention on what is happening inside you but also AROUND you. In other words, you not only develop your self-awareness, you also enhance your social awareness. It is a way of being in this world where you are not only connected with yourselves but the people around you and your environment. To simplify, we could say that mindfulness can help you be more engaged in the conversation, and more generally into your life.

Mindfulness has been scientifically linked to a better empathy, this ability to put yourself in others’ shoes and listening to the other person from her point of view and not yours. We all have the tendency to understand the other person through our own reality and perceptions. However, our perceptions are limited. And as St Augustine wrote: "Be kind, everyone is carrying a heavy burden." You never know what really happen behind the façade of the person, so “bringing your empathy” into the conversation will help you to understand better the other person and at the end to create a better connection.

This list is not exhaustive. Maybe one last point in conclusion, not the least, would be that mindfulness is also referred to as heartfulness[1]. That means that mindfulness is being aware of your thinking but also of your feelings. It not only engage your mind, it also engages your gut, your body and your heart. There is the quote from King Solomon which said "Give me the gift of a listening heart." “A listening heart”, this is what I wish all of you!

Practice:

For your next conversation, ask yourself these questions:

• What is my intention?
• What is the mindset I would like to bring to this conversation?
• What qualities (kindness, acceptance, openness, curiosity, patience…) can I offer?
• How would you like to treat the other person?

Nadege ESTEBAN, Founder and Managing Director at Wise Mind

If you are interested - for yourself or your company - by a Mindfulness programme or a workshop on “mindful communication”, please contact us at: contact@nadegeesteban.com

[1] “When you hear the word mindfulness, it is very important to understand, that in all Asian language, word for mind and for heart are the same word, so when you hear the word mindfulness, you need to hear the word heartfulness, or you misunderstand that it is only simply one cognitive exercise, and it is not.” Jon Kabat-Zinn